1. All-Time Stinkers
Hardly a feature unique to the N64, and really, the only truly infamously all-time disaster was that Superman game, but I'll just assume you've read enough game writers blowing their load about how bad this one is. If you haven't, just pick out any five Maddox articles and change the subject of the article to Superman 64. I haven't actually played it, so I can't fairly testify accordingly. When I do, I'm going to expect a world unplayable nonsense carrying cars through rings. Even so, take a look at those 'worst of' lists puked out by publications every now and then. N64 games are actually kind of hard to come by, save for the Man of Steel's experiment. You'll find a couple NES games, a couple 2600 games, a few games from each of the failed consoles and a couple from the current generation. Not a whole lotta 64. Here, though are some that are commonly missed.
Superman will have to do much to surpass Carmageddon 64, the ultimate one-trick pony, in terms of suckiness. It's not often when I pine for the testosterone-infused racing thinly veiled as needless, malicious, wanton, mindless violence against aberrant bystanders, the premise of the original Carmageddon, but that's exactly what I was thinking upon playing Carmageddon 64.
Why is it that whenever passionate discussions about the world's worst games transpire, nobody ever mentions Deadly Arts? Folks, this game was slammed as a second rate War Gods rip-off when it went up for review. Read that previous sentence a second time to let it sink in. If this doesn't make you want to take your pompously-raised index finger back to the meetings of your school's video game club to wave it in their faces making steadfast arguments about quite possibly the worst fighter ever, then you will never have a job as an uppity game journalist. Any Street Fighter bug remaining within me was fully eradicated when I was done with Deadly Arts, which was less than five minutes after I had first come in contact with it.
 This is pretty much the most pleasant sight in Dual Heroes. |
Speaking of N64 fighters, why no hate for Dual Heroes? Actually, when I saw the first screens for this game, I had fooled myself into thinking it would be good: to long-legged, wiry gladiators, one performing a kick completely devoid of technical ability and the other standing square (I guess the kick missed). Come to think of it, that doesn't sound very appealing at all. I was pretty stupid when I saw that, I reckon, and stupid enough to rent it when I first saw it. Not stupid enough, though, to continue playing after a few minutes of doing little else besides pushing the kick button all the time (my kicks usually hit, I guess). One of the criticisms of the N64 was its paucity of fighters, but I do believe we are all better off with a categorization of games highlighted by Mace: the Dark Age.
Again, it would be stated that every generation and system has its fair share of losers for which you cannot even feel sorry. I can think of a few right away that are definitely as bad as the N64 games discussed here. While these are only some of the horrifically bad N64 games I've personally played, I'm sure there are others. As stated before this is nothing unusual for a system, and based on comparisons to major tragedies commonly made by prolific message board members, there are a disappointingly small number of truly terrible ones.
2. Disappointing supporting cast
Speaking of disappointment... Ask any gamer around at the time to write down whatever software-related associations they have upon mention of those ubiquitous three letters, N64. Before terribly long, they'll start writing stuff like "racer overkill", "derivative platformers", "South Park", "Star Wars", "Castlevania", "Bomberman", "Terrible Fighters" and a whole host of crap that does not bode well for those responsible for those releases.
For the N64 saw a great deal of shark-jumping in its ranks. The Castlevania games aren't cool. The Bomberman games even less so. Some of the system's biggest sellers had the words 'South Park' in their title or involved wrestling. There was Star Wars overkill. The N64 saw a whole lotta Pokemon shelling, downright terrible attempts at gaming by Mega Man, Yoshi and Kirby and even worse attempts at revivals of old arcade classics. There were three goddamed Turok games and two loser Resident Evil ports.
I remember reading about reactions to Nintendo
Power's Top 100 countdown from 1997. I believe one letter was in
response to Mario Kart 64's undeserving number four placement, and I
believe NP's response was about how
Diddy Kong Racing was about mixing Super Mario 64, numero uno in 1997, with MK64,
resulting in perhaps a number 2 or 3 overall when they would do one of these
countdowns again. The next countdown, spanning issues 196-200, Diddy Kong Racing
goes completely unranked. Suppose the exaggeration by NP in the pre-DKR hype machine as well as its complete omission from the Top 200 was because of Nintendo's relationship with Rare during those respective times?
Also: C'mon now. Being prodded by three prongs is hardly a delightful happenstance. |
Moreover, many of the games once touted as greatness in cartridge form (and we believed it), but in hindsight look merely average. This includes, but is not limited to, pretty much the entire first wave of N64 games. Seriously, Pilotwings 64? Mode 7 isn't the impressive, dizzying, groundbreaking technological feat it once was. Wave Race 64? People are actually still talking about that one. Ooh, that water looks so pretty. Bah. Wayne Gretzky's 3D Hockey? If the best thing you can say about a game is that is has a big head code (which made everything even more blocky, blurry and awkward than ever before), wither we're reaching suckiness not seen since The Great One's NES endorsement or you gotta to hire some better PR people. Shadows of the Empire? You have to be nerdy enough to believe Jedi Knights are real before you'll enjoy this Doom-Tomb Raider hybrid wrapped in a Star Wars package.
Even those games much of the gaming populace was tricked into thinking was awesome turn out to be major let-downs. Perfect Dark, we realized, is essentially Goldeneye minus everything that made it good. Turok is really not too much more than a competent Doom clone with lamer weaponry. International Superstar Soccer 64 doesn't amaze after all. Star Fox 64 - not bad - but if you can stomach those tank controls, you have a bright future on Fear Factor. And the only reason to play through Donkey Kong 64 is to get the arcade perfect port of the old Donkey Kong arcade. Considering the just how awesome that old arcade diddy is, it might just be worth it. But Mario Kart 64 is not and neither is Banjo Kazooie. Oh, and Conker sucks ass, pretty much.
If you were to have a list of the stateside released N64 games in front of you, and you were to randomly select a few titles, chances are likely you'll get maybe one memorable title. Then again, this is the rule with gaming in general. It just seems especially noteworthy with the N64.
3. Hardware boners
It is believed that this is the reason Nintendo's current position as struggling underdog was solidified. People like to go on about how the N64 was 'pwned' by the PSX for as long as we can remember. However, Nintendo actually ruled the stateside 32/64 bit wars from Mario 64 to Zelda 64 and slightly beyond. Nintendo didn't find themselves in "aww shit" mode until the middle of 1999, when the world was readying for the Dreamcast and the next generation to begin. It can therefore be argued that for the few years the N64/PSX/SAT battle was that and nothing more, Nintendo had it won for the duration.
But enough dallying. Nintendo's hardware mishaps can be divided into two main categories: the controller and the cartridge format. You can add a third, the 64DD if you're doing the Japanese thing. The controller, while I feel is a tad overly reviled, still looks like something inspired by an optical illusion. Granted, I reckon I found it adequate for my N64-related needs, you know something's funny when Nintendo Power's introduction of it involved jokes about needing three hands to optimally enjoy it.
The greater hardware foible is sticking with the cartridge format. I don't know the technical specifics of the chips and chaps behind the plastic, but I do get the general gist. While ostensibly a more powerful graphics processor than its rival from Sony because it was capable of churning out more colors or polygons or something. However, this was pretty much all it could do. I keep reading the N64 had inadequate system memory to best carry out these demanding tasks, thus images greatly watered in quality had to be stretched to make room for all them pretty colors. The result was that everything looked blurry. It also couldn't really do FMVs, but damn, what kind of sane person give a hoot about that?
Other problem with the cartridge format is the price. Once again, for reasons I don't entirely understand, N64 games were always at least ten dollars more expensive than their PSX counterparts of the same name. I'm going to guess that all the carts have to go through Nintendo if you wish to travel that route. After all, that firm Nintendo stamp in the plastic on every N64 cart doesn't happen for no reason, ya? The extra cost is passed to the consumer. Not cool, ya?
4. 64 Abounding
The final gripe a normal person can have about the N64 is about the banal, pedestrian, uncreative practice of adding the number 64 to far too many of the games released on this platform. This isn't a practice relegated to the early moments in the systems life, when companies are merely testing all waters, nomenclature included. No. This is a practice that persisted until Dr. Mario 64, nearly five years after regular Mario 64 first hit the streets, roughly one month before even Nintendo would officially pronounce the system dead.
 Not even the celebrated star of the glorious championship US Women's soccer team could avoid being branded in the ass by a that fiery-hot 64-shaped prong. |
The most annoying aspect of this naming habit are the annoyingly 'witty' comments made across communities on the Internet (gee hur hur Pilotwings 64, what ever happened to Pilotwings 2-63 ZING!!!!111). Thankfully, for essentially the duration of the N64's dominance, high-speed Internet connection was relatively rare, and the time spent online was not likely to be wasted at such hazardous areas. These days, if the same practice was taken, the country's collective IQ might drop given the easy access we have to such areas. Oh, and yes, people STILL make these kinds of comments these days every once in a while.
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