The immortal Jack Thompson continued his glorious crusade against the decadent and violent nature of video games when he called fourth a press conference to launch an attack against the latest member of his Axis of Evil: the Nintendo Wii.

"The Nintendo Wii is far too realistic of a violence simulator to be called anything but," our fearless leader is on fire, first taking down the evil entity that is Wii Play. "In this game you point and shoot. Point and shoot. In this game you point and shoot with a great deal of accuracy. Far too often, this game is far too much like actual guns, far too often."

Unable to sufficiently recreate this great man's thunderous message, this columnist will simply state the overarching theme of glorious Jack's attack on this entity of supreme evil: "People are going to think shooting guns is fun. Then people are going to want to get their hands on guns, for the shooting. Because it's fun. Guns are dangerous and kill people. They should only be in the hands of government and criminals from whom we cannot seem to take them away."

With heavenly sunlight illuminating (critics will sputter about how those lights are halogens carefully placed to bring out the best features of Mr. Thompson, but whatev) our fearless leader, he once against went on the offensive against this machine of devilish witchcraft. The majority of onlookers, clearly infidels in the spiritual warfare of gaming, could not help but loudly pout, scream with their hands over their ears and vocally make blasphemous accusations about Mr. Thompson's alleged sexuality and Satanism as he was destroying their morally bankrupt worldview to and fro.

"STAB! Stab stab stab stab stab stab! Stab! STAB!!" Thompson passionately exclaimed without a hint of psychosis. His next target highlighted games that themselves highlighted violent stabbing motions, featuring evil monstrosities such as Red Steel, Twilight Princess and Rival Swords. "STAB!!! Kids and people who don't know better are going to play these games and fall into the moral trapping that stabbing things is fun. Stabbing things has one purpose: killing people. Because of this, kids are going to grow up thinking killing people is fun. Well, the people need to be protected from this fun."

Heavenly light descends upon thee...

Once again, the visionary Jack Thompson spent only about 3 hours pussyfooting around his ultimate, infallible agenda: "Knives and swords need to get off the streets. Now. The only real purpose to own any blade or ballistic, even so called 'butter knives', is to kill people. The only people to be entrusted with such power, once again, government and criminals we can't get the weapons away from."

When aggressively confronted by a hellbound non-believer in the press about how why the criminals get to keep their weapons, our exultant mastermind deftly smacked it out of the park: "We would try, but they have blades. They are much better armed than the polite, law-biding citizenry. They are criminals, too. They can take over the place if they wish." Indeed, Master Thompson, sir, well put.

"But this fantastic vision of ultimate protection by and for the state cannot be realized without getting these evil, terrorist-inspiring, obscene, monlithical menaces known as the Wii out of our lives for good. To begin, we are going to sue Nintendo. We are going to sue retailers who sell this awful device. We are going to sue consumers suckered into buying it."

Our triumphant leader took a deep breath and continued, "And we are going to sue any overweight kid... Jack Thompson doesn't like them plump. He likes them nice and slender, and innocent and young," Mr. Thompson said while licking his perfect lips and then quickly shaking his perfect head with urgent vigor. "The point is we just to be on the safe side - plump unattractive kids - they probably have some Wii in them, and we can't take that chance. They are to be purified by being purged of all that corrupting money they have. It needs to land in incorruptible hands - mine."

Amen Sir Mr. Thompson Sir, amen.

"It was almost as if he's been waiting at his computer since the decline of his acting career, roughly beginning a decade ago when the Internet was just getting hot, just for this moment!"

An actual photo of Jimmy Woods in The Cyberathelete

From what Krinshell tells me, The Cyberathlete basically picks up where The Wizard left off.  "Although there is a span of two decades between this and The Wizard's setting, it will be like nothing happened, because nothing did happen in the real life of Jimmy Woods or we here at Finnegan!"

I then asked Krinshell about why this studio would be tapped for productive purposes after having one project since 1992.  She firmly denied these allegations, and I think she haphazardly muttered something about mail order brides or drug cartels.  Upon inquiring furthermore about these projects, she quickly changed to subject to Jimmy Woods as a man approaching thirty.

"It's probably not fully proper to call him a man, technically.  Basically, Jimmy of the present is one part Fatal1ty, one part Kevin Federline and one part stereotypical Special Olympian.  This is a very easy synthesis because there is much more common ground among these three images than there are differences."

Krinshell was unable to give me any more details, saying "I don't have the liberty to divulge this information" in a way that actually meant "I don't know this information yet."  But she was anxious to tell me: "There will be lots of California sayin'!  A whole bunch of it!"

Although there are no plans to include Kyrgyzstan in a video game of any sort, Kyrgyz president Kurmanbek Bakiyev is taking no such chances calling a press conference to speak to game developers.

"In the event my splendid country be portrayed in any negative light whatsoever, I am condemning future efforts to show Kyrgyzstan in any way except the most positive." Bakiyev took a breath and puffed out his chest just a little bit. "Kyrgyzstan should not be the setting of anything unless we are a perfect people in every way. We will not stand by idly while we lose our great world standing and our tourist dollars. The reputation of Kyrgyzstan must not be damaged in even the slightest bit. If this happens, maximum force must be used to protect the state, its interests and its people."

Bakiyev then folded his arms and bobbed his head like Barbra Eden's character in I Dream of Genie. "End transmission."

Game developers are at least slightly surprised to hear such a statement. Reaction from them has been largely of the critical sort. "What a very vain thing to say," responded Jay Shomorti, Vice Public Relations Vice President for EA Omaha, "I don't know of any game planning to use that country as a setting as a game, and I know all about every game to come out within the next 18 months!"

"Wait what country are we talking about again?" Geography is clearly not Shomorti's strongest suit.

"Ahh, nope. I can't say that I've heard of it either." - Prof. Bob P. Jackson, Arctic Gateway College, Geography

"Kyrgyzstan doesn't actually roll off the tongue of western audiences," chimed Bernie Nodintop, the Chief Public Relations Assistant Secretary of Squaresoft Lubbock, "One of the prerequisites a game must have are settings and characters with easily read and remembered titles. This guy is complaining about a country I can't pronounce, nor have I ever heard of it before his statement. In fact I have already forgotten it. What was it, Kirishjijikstan?" I then asked Nodintop about Sqauresoft Lubbock as they don't seem to have gotten word about a merger: "I have no idea what you be wafflin' about."

Donald Rouder, Custodial Manager for 3K Bethesda took a different approach. "Something like that makes me think the country has something to hide that would make a cool video game but might also make them look bad. Maybe that country has alot of freedom-hating terrorists, giant evil robots or ethnic gangs all around."

Rouder put down his broom and asked what country we were talking about. I show him the name of the country to which to responded with a chuckle. "Lookit all them there y's and z's. They should make a video game about spelling!" I then pointed out some spots on the floor that needed sweeping, which he would do semi-grudgingly.