Action 52: The Feature

An aurora borealis. The view from the top of the Sears Tower. The frickin' Cheetahmen. Life's most powerful and breathtaking images need but one brief glance before they're permanently etched into memory. To this day, I see the no-bullshit gaze and flattop hairdo of Hercules every time I close my eyes.

Yeah, that damn rhino is back. I don't care enough to find out its name either.

See that box up there above my furry? I think it has some use, but once again, don't care. Maybe if this was Haunted Hills, but not now.

My, the mighty have fallen. The once trademark watershed centerpiece of the Action 52 name is now given no position of privilege or entitlement (which would be among the, if the not first or last in a queue), but relegated a good one-fourth of the way toward the middle. Granted, it's still of higher esteem than most on this collection as the logo is the same as it was in the NES days, furries and all. But no comic book. No unskippable multi-screen introduction sequence attempting plot. No promise of action figures or demands to pester store clerks.

Hell, the fact the previous playbale game fascinated me much more than this title, the Cheetahmen name previously associated with the term incompetence but also effort, speaks volumes; recall I thought enough of Haunted Hills to get to the third level, but this game doesn't interest me enough to beat the first. But let's just take a look at the damn thing already.

It's an action-platfromer done in the style of Action 52 (Gen). In other words, it's exactly like Ooze or Haunted Hills: exceedingly loud sound effects (in fact, the exact effects in other games), terrible scrolling (exactly as is in other games), severely limited protaganist (exactly as before), terrible level design (just like before). Hell, that last one is so bad it deserves special note: this game largely consists of climbing up and down ladders (or vines, which is at times the case here). Now because the game scrolls like those manning the camera are drunk (the screen doesn't scroll to follow you until you're almost off it), you have minimal reaction time to avoid grazing the deadly-to-the-touch skins of the various snake and rhino enemies who dutifully patrol some tree branch with mind-numbing monotony. And considering this encapsulates about 85% of the game, it's enough to make Haunted Hill seem like Super Mario Bros. But not really.

Redeeming quality: the single music track I heard, the one played at the title screen and in the background of the first level. If I had to envision Apollo, Aries and Hercules gloriously knocking down the various rhinos and doctors and gorillas that stand in their way like so much Garland, this is the tune that removes the much of the icky Action 52 stigma from that vision. Probably the best song on the cart, and I almost recorded and uploaded it so you can witness the mediocrity these guys can reach. Keep reaching for that rusted ring, fellas!

On a side note, doing this write-up is making me miss my sealed copy Cheetahmen II, an A+ rarity NES game. Actually making me all melancholy up in this bitch. While I may be saddened now, happiness with dominate me or whoever excavates that thing. I suppose this is what happens when you have makeshift game rooms that look like archeological sites. But sadness now! Best stop thinking about it, and since further typing here keep my mind from other, happier, more worthwhile thoughts, it is here I stop.